I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
