These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
