why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
