I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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