puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
