Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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