when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
