Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
