i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
