i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
