apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
