i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
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Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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