I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
