I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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