I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
