Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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