So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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