Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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