ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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