Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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