Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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