Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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