I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I faked an abortion last night.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
