I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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