She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
