Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
