I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
4 words: hood of his car
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
