his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
