i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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