george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
