if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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