when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
