Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
