Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
