you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
