Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize