i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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