My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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