i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
