Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
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SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
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I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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