my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
my liver is dry heaving
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