Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...