i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"