It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
