He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
