Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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