The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
