I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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