just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
