someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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