Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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