and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
