Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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