i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
