So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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