Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
