do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I looked at my own cervix.
im six kinds of drunk right now
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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