look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
