mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
