Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
