using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
