Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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